The First Fart
When you first get into a relationship, your mind races through all the potential nerve-racking firsts that you may encounter: the first date, the first kiss, the first time you say you love each other. But what you might not think of is a first that everyone, no matter how long or short the relationship is, is doomed to endure. Let me tell you, this might say more about your relationship than a personalized Hallmark card. This is the first fart.
I’ve heard many stories about this horrifying experience, both from the ones who could not contain the gas build up, and the ones from the receiving end of a raunchy toot. So what do you do when you come back from a fiesta of bean burritos without thinking of the dire consequences back at your new boyfriend’s house? Do you hold it in despite the increasingly painful cramps and awkward stomach noises? Or do you release with the risk of it letting out a small squeak or an acrid smell? It’s a tough decision, one that just doesn’t seem to have a right answer.
I, myself, am not much of a tooter. But I will admit, that when it comes, it comes with a vengeance. This type of flatulence is both a gift and a curse. For one, I very rarely have to fart in front of my boyfriend. On the other hand, when I do feel a gas build up, I know that if I release, it could change the way my boyfriend feels about me. Trust me, my smell could be a deal breaker. My first fart experience with my boyfriend was one that thankfully I had enough warning to come up with a way to hide it. Or at least, to try to hold it in until I became as bloated as a hot air balloon and it hurt to laugh. At the point when I realized I just couldn’t hold it in much longer, I excused myself to the washroom and released (making sure to keep the water running incase of any noise). I’d stay in there long enough to make it believable that I just had to pee and then went back to the movie. This seemed like an ideal plan, until about ten minutes later when I felt it brewing again.
I think what made it hard for me to let it out for the first time, was the fact that my boyfriend is also not a big tooter. In fact, he gets embarrassed if one sneaks by and he can see people’s noses perk up at the sudden smell of it. So, he held it in too, for a very, very long time. And like most people, the first time he let one go in front of me was a complete accident. Trust me, the accidental fart is much more common than you might think. I know, most of the time you can definitely feel the fart coming, but there are those few times that your body gives you no warning. Think of the times when you laugh really hard and then try to cover up the sound by laughing louder. Or how about the sneeze-fart combo? Anyway, my boyfriend’s accidental fart was not a case of tensing the body up, but of relaxing it. I was giving him a back massage, him on his stomach, me sitting on his bum. Just as I was leaning over to get his shoulders, I felt it. A bum-to-bum, feel the gust of wind on my cheek, first fart. I was both shocked and completely amused. We shared a good laugh over it.
One of my best friends laughed at the fact that it took nearly two years for my boyfriend and I to start farting in front of each other. She said that she and her ex did it all the time in front of each other, often laughing at who made the louder noise. I’ve had some friends say that they make games out of it. Nothing is funnier than surprising your boyfriend with a dutch oven or a cup-of-fart. He will be completely disgusted but impressed that you can make a stink bomb with a blanket and your hand. Besides, you know he’ll get you back eventually, like a strange game of tag. One friend told me that she accidentally let out a squeak when her and her boyfriend were spooning. Other friends of mine are absolutely mortified of the idea of letting it go. Take my sister, a complete fartaphobe. She would rather fly to Alaska to fart in private than to fart in front of her husband.
What it comes down to, I realize, is that farting is a huge step in any relationship. It’s comparable to saying the big L word for the first time: the nerves, the build up, the hesitation. Like saying ‘I love you’, the first fart is a sign of commitment and comfort; it’s a true sign from both ends that you are in this for the long haul, through thick and thin. Whether it’s an egg salad sandwich you had at lunch, or the refried beans at dinner, you know you can get through it together. And lastly, like ‘I love you’, the first fart is an event that takes a lot of courage, but after the first time, it comes easier and much more naturally. You might even reach the point that you do it without even noticing.
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1 Comment to The First Fart
haha thanks for this… this is hilarious and oh-so-true! It really is like taking your relationship to a whole new level!
May 3, 2009