Bad Kissers
You’re finally going to take the plunge. You’ve been imagining the big first kiss for days and today, it’s going to happen. He takes you home after your perfect date – dinner at a fancy restaurant, a walk by the water, and a bouquet of roses in hand. You invite him in.
As the two of you snuggle in on the couch, he looks at you with his big puppy eyes and leans in. And you are greeted by a mouthful of tongue that moves like a jackhammer and swirls around in a sloppy, un-coordinated way. As you pull away and wipe the saliva off your chin, you try your best to smile. You have stumbled upon the agonizing discovery that he is a bad kisser.
As you pull away with your best attempt to look pleased, you’re faced with the haunting decision of what to do next. It’s hard to want to continue kissing, but even harder to try to stop something that has already started. Do you say something with the risk of hurting his feelings? Do you make up a bad excuse to leave? Do you look at it positively and see yourself as a teacher helping their young student figure out the art of kissing?
One friend of mine told me about what we like to call the captive kissers. These are boys whose tongues run rapid upon the opportunity of being released from inside his mouth, like a disoriented man who has been locked away in a cave for years. As soon as the mouth opens, the tongue darts out in fear of being shut back in and scurries around franticly, unsure of where to go. The girl is so focused on trying to figure out how to kiss him that she can’t really enjoy the kiss. What was supposed to be a blissful and breathtaking moment turns out to feel like a cardio workout or a strange game of tag.
Next, we have the timid kissers. These guys go in for the kiss, sort of, and muster up the courage to touch the tip of his tongue with hers. His movements are slow and uncertain. His timidity gives you a weird mix of emotions. You may find his shyness cute at first but that turns to frustration – like trying to teach a kid how to hit a baseball. And then of course you start questioning why he isn’t really kissing you. Are you using too much tongue? Does he like boys? Do you have bad breath?
Lastly, we have the bulldog kiss. This is when your mouth feels like it was raped by a slobbering bulldog, lapping his big wet tongue not only in your mouth, but also your lips, your chin, and maybe even up to your cheeks and nose. Any kiss that ends with a hand wipe or a swallow can be deemed a bad kiss.
So boys, the next time you go in for the big one, try your best not to fit into any of these categories. A kiss should be smooth and simple, not a choreographed performance that takes practice to coordinate along with. You should leave the girl breathless, not because you’ve been suffocating her for the past five minutes but because your kiss was breath-taking and memorable.
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